Amy's Blog

This has to be the hardest day of my life thus far. Way harder than having my heart broken by the love of my life so many years ago, thinking there is no way I could go on without him. Way harder than moving to a strange city 2300 miles from home, way harder than anything I have ever experienced. My son Liam, now 2 1/2 started a new toddler program this morning. We were up early, trying to prepare him for the day in store. He was so excited about his new You Gabba Gabba nap mat and his new lunch box, but I don't think he quite grasped the concept of going to a new place, to make new friends, meant mommy wasn't staying too. He broke down when I left screaming, "me go too". The teacher had to peel him away from me and I walked out of the door as he screamed and cried. I know millions of moms go through this exact scenario all the time, but it doesn't make the heart wrenching guilt any easier. I left my son, my little baby, with strangers, crying and screaming and throwing a fit. Thinking on my way home how abandoned he must feel, and mad at me he is for leaving him; this pit in my stomach is agony.  When I called to check in on him, he was, of course, fine, playing with the other kids, but why don't I feel better? Knowing he will go through his day, wondering when I am coming back, eating his lunch from his new lunch box, wondering what happened to Jackson and Aiden, and Maya, his other friends he used to spend his days with. Did they abandon him too? I worry, even with his new and exciting Yo Gabba Gabba nap mat and his frog, he won't be able to sleep. It's only 9:11am and I want to go back and get him.  Thinking of all the "signs" I have had over the past few days that I am making a mistake in my choice of child care, including the nightmare I had last night of the teacher on Dateline for some reason I don't even remember, that this isn't the best place for him; and what if something happens today? There could be an earthquake or someone breaks in and holds them hostage, and something happens to my perfect little boy.  I think I will google for nanny cams now to see how I can hide one on his body tomorrow.